January in October

It’s early morning in late November and we’re together once again. I feel like I’ve had my fair share of happiness this year but it’s gone now. Things are quiet. The days are short and gloomy. Christmas will be another day for us and this breaks my heart. I don’t know who or where I’d be without a broken heart. It seems that we’ve always been there for each other. Especially when times are tough. Why does life do this? What are we not doing right to have families of our own to spend the holidays? Are we cursed to live and die alone? I refuse to believe that to be true. That’s not my future and I know it can’t be the future for Josh either.

I can hear laughter coming just beyond the pine trees and up past the hill. Tonight we decided to make a bonfire. In the distance I pay close attention to the headlights of cars that race down the freeway as laughter plays steadily in the background. I know these moments might be similar to the ones you may have had at a young age but mine were different. I’d often drift away in the midst of them. There was somewhere else I needed to be. I could feel it in my bones. This wasn’t it. This wasn’t forever. These people would move on and out of my life. I thought I wouldn’t mind if things stayed the same. That I’d be okay with it if these were the only friends I’d ever have. I thought we’d grow up to be something big and somewhat important in the world. I was wrong. Life cannot and doesn’t cater to the cares of young teenagers. No matter how much fun it is making fun of each other around camp fires. Life changes. People grow up. The wind from storms and headlights of cars take them away.

The rain falls down from the grey coat in the sky. The world knows that I’m sad today. If I wrote you another letter, would you believe it? We called them birds. We sent them filled with hope and love. I wrote how I’d always wished it’d be you I’d marry. There was a night in a car ride I saw two falling stars and one followed right after the other. Somehow in that very moment I thought of you. I remembered years before wanting to run away with you but I was scared. I was addicted to drugs. I put you before me. If I called you up right now, would you answer it? I’m scared of living without you. I’m scared of falling without you. I’m afraid that I’m still in love with you, and that my days are numbered. I’m terrified of living the rest of my life without feeling your lips press against mine. I reach deep into my heart and it feels like you. It sounds like you. I know you’re still there. Maybe our birds will fly again one day. But today the rain falls. The streets have been washed of yesterday. Do you still feel me in your heart?

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