Let her have her flowers.

Never been married and have no kids. I’m a recovering addict and live in a chem free house with several other recovering addicts. We all have to share our rooms and I have two roommates. I’ve been placed in a season of understanding and this truly is an important chapter of my life. Not only have I suffered from drug addiction but I’ve also spent years mistreating women. My life has always been about my own selfish pleasure even at the expense of using other people, especially women. I’ve been blind and ignorant to the respect women deserve. Deep down in my heart I want to not only become a decent member of society but also a decent respectful man. I want to look at women as humans just like myself and see their value and worth. There’s no excuse for my behavior and when I think about it it makes me sick. I’ll never be a good man until I can learn how to treat a woman with respect and kindness. My awakening came at the cost of a beautiful gentle woman’s broken heart. It’s going to be very difficult to forgive myself for hurting her. Well, I won’t mention names but I’ve been housed to share this bedroom with two men that treat women like I did in my past. They talk with multiple women daily and it reminds me of myself years ago. It truly makes me sick. Not to mention, I’m currently at a point in my life where I have a strong desire to meet a good woman. But how could I ever know I have a good woman if I’m living life as a bad man. I cannot allow this in myself. I’ll never have the life I truly desire if I act in a way that is undeserving or unbecoming. Truth is sex is everywhere these days. It flooded the internet, and I can’t seem to find someone who isn’t distracted by the thought of it. I really hoped my last relationship would’ve worked out, because our love seemed so genuine. Our trust in one another was so strong at first. That was until I replayed some questions she’d asked me early in our ‘talking’ phase(before things got serious). She asked if I was the jealous type. I answered honestly by saying yes and even painted her a picture of how I’d react if we were out ‘on the night’ and she was approached by another man. I answered honestly because I wanted her to know how special she was to me. If you truly feel like you’re in love with a person then the constant fear of losing them is very real. There were nights when, before we reconnected, I’d look at pictures of her with old lovers and think to myself “That should be me.” Then she took it further and asked me if I’d be jealous of other females. (She had history with women) I still answered with truth in my heart. I said yes I’d still be jealous. Because I want you to be mine only. She was a successful woman and still is. The work she does in her community is highly respected and she has the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen on a face. She deserves her flowers. Who am I to deny her flowers? She deserves every bit of love she’ll get in life because that’s just who she is. She’s lovely. And I’m the one who lost. Because I accused her of cheating. I reacted without proof and acted on suspicion to get even on a hunch. It sounds incredibly stupid but that’s what my choices have looked like in my past. Especially if I feel like someone close to me has hurt me and potentially lied to me. So, that’s how the most lovely love of my life got away. I’d be lying to all of you if I said I’m over her because I’m not. I know what I had. It’s a crying shame she’s gone now. She would tell me from time to time “I don’t want you to die” I didn’t realize just how sweet she was when I had the privilege of having her. God, I need you now more than ever because you know the pain that is in my heart. There’s no fling or attention from any woman on this planet that can heal this broken heart of mine. Furthermore, it’s hard to believe that any other blessing could help heal this broken heart from losing her. And so now I’m a recovering addict with a bruised broken heart that won’t heal. I’ve sent her mail. I’ve tried texting. I’ve asked her to come back. But how could she ever feel right again in these arms. God, I cried out to you about my love for her that lonely silent night. You brought her within arms reach to me and we fell for one another. It was blessed by you until I went and messed it up. I guess the mature thing to do, the proper thing to do is to ask God to heal her heart from the damage I caused and give her the right man or woman her love needs. She needs love the way she needs to be loved. You made her God. I know you had to have made her because she’s amazing. Truth is I still love her. God, just please take care of her. And help me treat women the way they should be so that I never make this mistake again. Help me see them for the gentle soothing strong creative queen’s that they are. In Jesus name on earth as it is in heaven Amen

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